Hi. It is I, the one and only, Liyana.
Every time I return to this blog, it feels like some sort of historical archive. Holding thoughts of that of who I was once. It's definitely very amusing. Though, as always, it's the same lingering problems that still haunt me. Even at 25.
I made this blog when I was 15 because it was an assignment for English class (I'm happy this exists). Now, I don't get assignments. 10 years later I get tasks in work. Which I do continue to fail to do.
Maybe we can start by wrapping up what happened in the past 3 years. I mean, it is some sort of an archive, right?
I think I missed out all updates on COVID-19. Oh maybe we can start from my FYP. I did terrible. My procrastination and fear of asking for help let me to my doom. I almost failed, in fact. But I tried to justify many things (which could've been solved if I just met my supervisor more often). So, at least I passed that. Alhamdulillah. I get some stupid anxiousness when anyone asks me about my FYP now because it reminds me of bad times. I don't really know what was in my head, but I couldn't even control myself to start anything.
Then as soon as the trimester ended. We got into a lockdown. COVID-19 started to spread. It was infectious and deadly/devastating when it first shook the world. So, like everyone had to stay at home. Roadblocks were everywhere. You couldn't travel to other districts unless your work was crucial. Only one person can go out to get food/grocery/essentials. Masks were mandatory and super expensive and scarce at the early parts of the pandemic. So, like most people, we washed our masks to reused them (I know, pretty bad huh?). I hated staying at home for too long, but right now I wish I could've experiences that a little longer.
My final trimester was all online. I slept through most of it. Thankfully there were recordings. Even discussed with friends on our tests and finals. Funny times. But, I definitely didn't keep track of time and days through it all. I played ML like crazy with my usual friends. It was nice. Then, yeah I ended my studies and rotted at home. That was until I had to join TM ELIT programme, which also sucked ass. What a waste of time. I was happy I got some money at least. 1 month of training at MMU, but it stopped halfway and was switched online because the MCO rules were tightened again as the spread of COVID-19 went up back again.
I started my OJT in the sales department. I was hoping for something related to my studies at least. Which I didn't get. I dreaded the first few weeks, thinking this job was hell until I started to enjoy the presence of my manager and officemates. I remember hating my HOD like crazy. Y'know how sales is like, all about the numbers and shit. Yeah. That HOD was always in a bad mood like he has PMS or something, I don't know. Well. Then I moved to AND. Worse time of my life. Not the worse. But one of the none fun ones. No idea what I did. Oh, I got my vaccination somewhere in between. One of the early ones getting AZ cause everyone else was worried or something.
Funny enough, throughout the 8 months of TM ELIT, 2 people confessed to me. But, it's always the weird ones that like me. (If they ever end up reading this, I'm sorry haha). When I say weird, I mean like not socially normal(?) I'm not sure how to describe it. Like, one dude is super socially awkward. Like, terrible. Maybe I was nice to him. I always try to be nice to everyone. At least, that's what I think. And I'm okay with giving chances to people. Which I did give him (to start off as friends first). But, meh. I couldn't get what I think I wanted out of a relationship. I always value the personality > looks because I need to be able to communicate comfortably. The second guy, idk. I cried at some point I don't remember why. I didn't like how people around him were like teasing him whenever I'm near. I hate that. I hate that a lot.
After that, I volunteered in a vaccination center for 3 months. It was one of the nicest times after the whole lockdown thing. Because I finally get to meet and talk and help people. It made me so happy. We had lotsa fun. There were lotsa problems but like whatever. Made some good friends too. Also I think I started to like someone there. But I'm too lazy to talk on that. I already gave up cause I think I wasn't his type. But yeah, those times there are kind of like treasured moments for me.
Next I was jobless for some time. I DID ENJOY IT. Not gonna lie about that. But my money was going low and low. I wasn't earning anything. And I was a little anxious being jobless after more than a year graduating. I doubted myself a lot. I thought that I couldn't possibly get a job this late. Nobody would want me. And even I forgot about things I once learned about. I got into a temp job at FORMIS. Funny times. But like, it was fun because it was just brainless work. Lots of documentation done. Meanwhile I had a friend help me refer me to Intel. Also I tried this one job at PETRONAS another friend referred me to.
Alhamdulillah I got a few interviews with Intel. And I chose the one with my current manager. He's the coolest manager. The interview was too simple, I expected something more challenging. Soon after I got a call from PETRONAS HR, but at that point I already accepted my job offer with Intel. So, I was like nyeh.
I don't know how to explain the whole part in Intel. Let's just conclude that I had a hard time thanks to my procrastination, fear of asking, unable to begin a task, bad at time management and so on. Of course after a year being here I have definitely grown compared to the weaker Liyana who just joined. But, I still suck yo. At least I get money. I'm just counting days till my boss ends my job or I end myself. There's only two thing and no in-betweens. My motivation at work and my will to live has been wavering way too much. I am never in a stable state for too long and I don't know what is my trigger.
Which is why I somehow ended up here.
I read all my post and see the past Liyana making jokes out of her struggles. It's very real now, I can't even joke about it. I have really not changed in 10 years apart from the gloominess. There's really nothing to look forward to for me. How did I end up like this? I don't even know.
My mom still nags me about marriage. She has done it aggressively for the past few years. Until I cried many times about it. Like, why is she pushing me into something I don't want (at least at that moment). Why is she suiting me with people I won't be able to talk to freely and probably have different values than me? Why does she think I'll be happy if I'm married? Why does she want to push me to have grandchildren fast? Why does what other people say matter to her? Are they the ones getting married? No. So what if I end up marrying late? I had too many question in my head. I'm sure she had her reasons. But we got into arguments because she couldn't understand my reasoning.
But, of course, how do I let her know, her daughter is a bit mentally unwell. She isn't strong enough for herself. How could she be strong enough to build a family? She can't even love herself, her own skin, her own self. How will she love anyone else? I can't do this. I can't be with someone and ruin their life because I'm a mess. I would feel bad. And that guilt will kill me.
I'm uncapable of loving and being loved.
At least this year she hasn't been too pushy about it. But, right now I don't care. I don't know. Y'know recently I did try opening Bumble for fun and matched with people. But, something just doesn't feel right. I can talk with these guys but it's like, if I think of proceeding to be more than friends I get nauseated. I literally almost vomit when I saw this guy's pic. And I feel bad. I don't deserve to do that. I don't even look nice, who am I to judge how someone else looks like. So I don't wanna waste anyone's time. I want to respect their journey of finding their special someone. And I want to die.
There's this dude I've been talking to but I don't even know. There's something that's bothering me. Maybe I'll keep this for a separate post because it's too recent. I don't expect anything. I uninstalled Bumble because I thought, this, is mentally tolling. So, for now, I decided to go back to my comfort zone. It's a little lonely in there, but at least I will always have me.
There's something that I don't get sometimes. Like when I see myself, who am I actually looking at? Like, viewing yourself in a 3rd person POV, someone who is watching the story of your life, how do I actually seem? I don't know how to put my question in to words for people to understand.
I see my different personalities at different time and know that all of them are real. But I don't know which one is the one that I'm most comfy with. The one I'm wearing now is telling me to die. Says there no point to live if you're a useless human being. There's a religious me that is fighting that other me inside. Saying Allah loves you. So, why do you want to die? It's a war that ends up in a draw. There's a me that always smiles when talking to people like it just happens so naturally(?) There will be a me that questions, "why are you smiling? What are you even happy about?" Or if I'm polite to people and talk nicely to them with a soft voice, one will question, "so, was that real? Or was it just you being fake nice?". I don't know. So, like I said I don't know what's real or fake out of my actions and words, I'm just accepting them all as me.
I don't wanna be like this. It's so fucking tiring.
I have so much more to talk about but I think I'm starting to not make sense again. I'm losing control of my train of thoughts. Always happens.
Be strong and be alive is what I have to say to the Liyana of now and of the future. Liyana in the past will have lived in vain if you give up now. You're not weak like what your head says.
Or like they say in the game Undertale every time you die: Stay determined.
