work havoc

 I, for one, absolutely suck at any work, assignment, task, to-do, deliverables-- ANY WORK. I don't really know why I'm this way but I really want to change. I hate myself so much for being so shitty at anything I do. 

I had a 1:1 with my manager, and I had to point out the bug I found because I JUST ADDED A CHECKING CODE. Like before this I was so happy I finally managed to bring up a testbench, integrate the VIP and create a test all in UVM. Which I absolutely hate with all my heart. He says I'm underperforming at this point. It's not like I don't know that. I go around and tell my friends how shitty I am at work, but really I hate how I'm like. It hurt a lot when my manager mentioned it. But, it's true. It's facts. I just really suck at this job.

Apart from actually sucking at work, I really really can't bring myself to do anything. I get overwhelmed so fast, I have bad work ethics. I really am clumsy and disorganized. I don't even know how I'm alive at this point. But I don't wanna quit. I'm not a quitter. At least, that's what I think. 

So all this is stressing me out to the point that I'm having terrible tendencies. It's like why am I so shitty? Why can't I be as good as a normal person? Why am I not hardworking, organized, disciplined? If I were all that, I'm sure I wouldn't have these problems. Why can't my brain just work when I need it to? Why does it go to weird places when I crucially need it for work? Can't I just focus for like 10 minutes? 5 minutes? Is that too hard? Am I really trying my best? I don't think so.

Also what truly bothers me at work is how it has become hard for me to convey my problems. I don't know. Is it really just me? I can't communicate like a normal person. I don't know how to deliver what I want to say so that it's easy for the other person to understand. 

Everything is my fault. If only I WANTED to do things beyond anyone's expectations. I'm not like that anymore. I'm not even bare minimum at this point. I'm literally the worst of the worst. If I can't do this work then what work will suit me? Maybe not working suits me. Maybe not living suits me. Maybe. Maybe not. 

I think I need God and a therapist.