It keeps coming back. This dreadful feeling.
I don't know how to handle it. If I just keep mentioning it online, it'll become bothersome to other people. I am a bother. A worthless piece of nothing. In my head, I'm trying to scream 'Don't be sad, Allah is here'. Is it even okay for me to feel this shitty when I've been given a possibly good life compared to others?
Ungrateful.
I hate being weak. I hate looking weak. I want to be the strongest. I hate breaking down. Stupid weakling. A little bit of anything and you break down. Worthless. It's better if you just die. Then you won't continue to be a liability to my family and friends and work. Can't you just shut up and grow up? It's painful? You wanna hurt yourself? Well, too bad if you cut yourself, you'll be uglier than you already are. And you would be ungrateful to God for giving you a perfectly functional body.
Why do I always beat myself up so badly for being fragile? Is it wrong? I need to fix this. Am I even broken that I need fixing? I don't think I have it bad like others. This is nothing. This is just a phase. It will go away and I'll be okay again. I hope.
The end goal of my life is that I die and I go to heaven. So why am I not even trying my best to be all good? I say I want to die, but will I even get to heaven if I die now? Obviously, not. With all the shit I've been doing.
Grow the fuck up and stop acting childish.
Hope it ends here.
