Let it go

Yo.

Okay.

I'm not really nice and innocent and all. But I do try to be that for my own good. I mean, being bad (not naughty, but bad) ain't cool.

Growing up in KL, my lifestyle was what they call as free and open. You live by your own rules. So you can do good all you want and, well, also sin like there's always tomorrow to repent. So, my early highschool years were nothing that I should be proud of. I'd always wanna be like them cool kids. And you know how cool kids in KL are like.

Moving to Sultanah Asma school, Alor Setar, yeah, things were different. It being a girl's school and a place where people were speaking a dialect that is understandable by my ears but hard to speak out the words.

I basically became a loner because communication wasn't my thing, and I don't share the same interests with those girls. So imagine, I used to be loud and annoying and bitchy at KL, not giving a damn about anyone else. I turned into someone quiet, judgement and probably nice.

I didn't like being quiet. I was a loud, outgoing person. It didn't feel nice not being able to speak what was on my mind without worrying about other's thoughts. I was constantly self-conscious about everything.

Entering into Pusat PERMATApintar was like some sorta escape. I get to meet some old pals from the camp. I like being with them, because I can be crazy old me without worrying about acceptance. But, the only thing was, I've changed. I mean, there were times that I was loud in the school, but nah.

Nah.

Why am I even typing all this?

Hahahahaha

I hope not many people see this.

Okay back to where I left off.

I cared too much about what others thought. Too much. Thinking about possible outcomes.

With my dad always criticizing me when I do something wrong, I didn't like making mistakes. But I still do. And I still hate that I can't stop making mistakes. But I'm human. But I can't make that as an excuse for me to keep on making more mistakes.

See.

Oh, also the fact that I care too much about friends, ruined me. Because it never was mutual. Sometimes I think I care too much like a good friend, and I'd be thinking, "would she do the same for me?" Hahaha. Not a good thought to dwell on. So I changed that to "just be nice, even if they're not" or "don't do things just to be appreciated or hope for anything in return".

But, seriously. I care too much about who I'm friends with. I even stalked myself on Facebook, and 12-year-old me seemed to conscious about it (my primary school didn't end well with friendships because they weren't even friends but people I stick with who backbite me).

I still don't know who's real and who's not. Plus, I've stuck with those who are negative-minded (backbiting, gossip, etc) and I wanted to stay away from those people.

One more thing: I'm not good with boys. I have one big brother and three younger ones but I don't know how to socialize with boys since I was 11/12. I just don't know what boys talk about with girls. Even up until now. I kinda stay away from guys because i don't know what to talk about. Plus, when talking with guys I get little more deaf (yes I have some hearing problems) because they have like real deep voices. But no, I'm not a lesbian hahahaha. Just because I stay away from them like they're viruses, doesn't mean I hate them. I'm straight okay hahaha

No, I'm not depressed. At least I don't think I am. Its just that I have so much on my mind, because I don't speak it, and it's all crammed up. I have some sleeping problems because of overthinking so I just wanna let this all out.

Oh and when i do talk, people cut me off or they get pleasure out of ignoring me (it's actually true) or I have bad timing. So now I'm like quiet. Because it's pointless for me to throw out the words in my head.

I noticed that people like talking instead of listening. Bla bla bla bla bla. Since I'm the silent one, I'd be listening, and silently judging others. I like telling stories, but maybe people don't like listening to mine. Maybe they are busy. I don't know.

I have no one who knows me well. I know I have Allah. With Allah I have everything. No need anymore. But the reason why Allah created human beings as a whole, is for us to be nice with each other. Its hard for me now. No one can relate to me cause they don't face what I face.