Ree

Hi it's Liyana from 2020. Feels kinda funny reading back some post from before. Also I've always been internally hurting, no thing's changed now. I lost many people in my life. It's all my fault. I don't deserve such good people in my life. Even so, the bad ones keep lingering around ruining my life but at the same making it a little less miserable.

I can see I totally lost my humor. I can't make something fun or funny outta nowhere. Or random shit. I'm very.. emotionally flat 😐

Still the same old lazy girl who keeps complaining about being lazy. Well, you know yourself, right? I wonder if I'll ever change in the future.

I'm hopeless.

Having my fyp now and I haven't done shit. Let's see what my lecturer will do to me. I see many people struggling and thriving to actually complete their studies. Me? I'm at the point where I don't care what happens.

But, I can't say that. I'm sponsored. I have to give back to the people that gave me the opportunity to study this course. Interesting, huh? How I ended up studying Electronics. I wasn't good at it to begin with. I'm in my final year yet I don't know what is expected from me.

The only thing I should even focus on is my fyp. And I need to send a long apology letter to my lecturer. She's my fav lecturer which is why I chose her. But she's super lenient which makes it tough for a hardcore procrastinator like me to even do work. She's too kind and I have taken advantage of that kindness.

I feel very lonely but I don't feel like being approached by anyone. I want to stay locked like this. But at the same time I wanna be out there laughing my ass off, having the time of my life. But, no, I don't deserve that. I should maybe... yknow.. (points to blog website)

I don't think my parents are gonna live very long, considering their health deteriorating at a scary rate. I've always had dreams and thoughts that they were gone and what I'm supposed to do and feel. My mom keeps pushing marriage onto my face. Saying she already got married when she was 21. I'm gonna be 22 in a week. I'm not ready for marriage. It's scary. I'll be stuck with someone for the rest of my life. I mean, if it's a special someone I wouldn't mind. Maybe.

I'm 22 and I've never dated before. It's fine really, like, imagine being so 'pure' (ew) cuz you've never been anyone's. But really, I want to experience shit. Too bad I'm ugly inside and outside. No character, an ugly giant with unproportional facial and body structure.

 Right now my face looks like shit and I was looking at old photos of me... I really never felt grateful that I had a nice clean face. Now that my face is like /this/... I can only regret not taking care of it properly. (I do take care of it tho)

I'm really not a nice person. I feel bad for making others feel bad. I don't know. I feel really bad. But I see my old friends happy and all without me. Maybe I was the reason why they felt awful. People are better off without me. I just bring negativity to people's lives. I was looking at some old pictures and it made my heart clench. I miss you, friend.

My teardrops are burning my cheeks right now because there a small wound thanks to me scratching off my pimples.

I might need someone to talk to.